Recently, Chamblee’s administration has been punishing students who aren’t in their class on time by using the infamous “hallway sweeps.” These hallway sweeps have proved to be questionable, as 250 Chamblee students have gone missing.
“My friend called me in the morning telling me that he was going to be late, and I never saw him at school that day, or the next,” said four-time held back junior, Francois Bacardii (supposed to be ‘19).
Chamblee’s principal Bail Garnes also had some words on the topic, questioning the validity of the concerns.
“Yeah, we’ve had some missing people, but I really don’t understand why it’s such a big deal, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time,” said Garnes. “By being late, they showed that their character was a detriment to our school and they won’t be missed.”
Other students who have been lucky to avoid these hallway sweeps have had different speculations as to where exactly the missing students went. Unfortunately, there have been multiple reports of the janitors and administrators suspiciously rolling around multiple large garbage bags on a trolley.
“I saw Vice Principal Babonkson the other day, but he was triple his normal size,” said Bartholomew Hypothalamus (‘30). “He was sweeping something with a giant broom and a lifesize garbage bag. I don’t think I was meant to see it.”
“After water running practice ended, I was walking down to my mom’s sister’s dad’s dog’s car, and I saw an abnormally large trash bag with legs kicking out of the dumpster, but I naturally assumed it was a lifesize remote control doll that was maybe malfunctioning or something,” said oblivious freshman Crystal Methany (‘25).
Contrary to the students, teachers seem to be rather fond of these new circumstances, favoring a very different and supposedly non-irritating population of students.
“I’m pleased that many of these delinquents have been eliminated,” said English teacher Karen Smith. “Children are the bane of my existence and if I had it my way, my classroom would exclude human students and I would only be teaching to a class full of purple baboons.”
With the hundreds of cases of missing students, allegations towards Principal Garnes have been skyrocketing, resulting in a number of potential lawsuits. However, she will not let those break her stride.
“I’ve gotten sued by a few people, maybe like 100, but I will say one thing and one thing only to the press: this is for the benefit of humanity and the most efficient form of natural selection, do not argue and do not resist.”
Along with the lawsuits against Garnes, parents of students who went missing are slightly confused as to where their children are, and what will occur next.
 “I haven’t seen my kid in 6 days,” said Patricia Pottamus. “At first, I was excited because it meant that someone else had the responsibility of potty training my senior, but I’m starting to become concerned.”
Garnes also explained the process of the punishments, and a way to give students an opportunity to buy their freedom.
“I will make this very clear for anyone doubting my inevitable power; if you are caught, you are asked to pay a free tax. The first offense warrants your prom ticket or $200, and the second is at the cost of your prom date,” said Garnes. “If you fail to pay for either punishment, you will be dealt with permanently.”
The location of the missing students indefinitely remains a mystery for the tale of time, and this is not an April Fool’s joke, it is a cry for help.