Not everyone is a track star or a football legend. Traditional sports and competitions offered by the school are simply not numerous enough to satisfy the competitive urges of everyone in the student body. Some students’ skill sets are wildly different from that of the mainstream. Thus, we as a school should establish some more competitions so that every student can feel some success. I have done the honors of compiling some to set us on the right track towards inclusion.

Cheese Rolling

Cheese rolling is the traditional competition of Gloucester in which competitors chase a wheel of cheese down Cooper’s Hill. The chasing typically involves large amounts of falling, rolling, diving, and butt-scooching. Champions typically have the technique of flailing themselves down as quickly as possible with no regard for human morality or their own life. Bones have been broken, egos have been bruised, and cheese has been eaten. 

The largest barrier to installation of this tradition at Chamblee (besides the ridiculously high insurance ramifications) is the lack of a sufficient hill. Most of the area around the school is densely populated with stores, roads, and restaurants. None of these areas would be well suited for authentic cheese rolling experiences. One proposition would be to use the stadium, as it has a proper slope to allow the cheese to reach proper velocities. However, the concrete nature of the structure definitely poses difficulties for anyone who truly wants to win. Maybe the school can install some wrestling mats or comically oversized feather pillows in order to allow a somewhat less lethal descent. 

Yam Eating

Chamblee High School used to be known for its quality yam output. In recent years, however, the lack of sufficient farmland has meant that our yams are merely present in canned form. To bring back the proper yam respect, I suggest an eating contest. Not only would this encourage increased yam production, but it would also give competitive eaters an outlet at the school. Yams are the perfect food for such a purpose. You can mash them, eat them whole, peel them, chop them up, season them, and more. In addition to being versatile, they are packed with vitamins, fiber, and protein. Considered a superfood by some, yams are a great food for eating competitions. Such an event would allow students to showcase their professional eating capabilities and might even birth some Chamblee champions at world championships like the one in Coney Island.

Mud Wrestling

With the refurbishment of the field, a great gift was bestowed upon fans of large dirt rectangles. Not you? Well, perhaps a highly competitive and bloodlust-fueled sport might pique your interest. As the saying goes, “April showers create big mud fields.” To not use it would be a waste. The logical solution is mud wrestling. Sure, Chamblee already has a wrestling team, but when mud gets involved, it becomes a whole other beast. The unique event would also attract participants who are merely competing for general clout and not necessarily purely to win. Thus, any event that includes mud-wrestling would likely be a hit among our high schoolers.

Professional Oratory History Presentation

Everyone enjoys a good myth or legend. Just look at the Greeks and the Romans. Today, Rick Riordan has made them into a profitable franchise in the modern entertainment industry. If we are to keep the cogs of capitalism fruitfully turning, we need more content. Sure, the real world sure is interesting, but nobody wants another story about a pandemic, it simply hits too close to home. Thus, I suggest that Chamblee completes its historical duty of storytelling by enlisting the creativity of its student population. Students can perform oratory performances, regaling tales of perfectly fictional events. The best stories will be passed down throughout the ages and we can finally get some proper disinformation again.

Minimum Wage Work Volunteerism

Students are always complaining about how school doesn’t teach them real-life skills. How is finding the derivative of a function ever going to help you in the real world? Additionally, we find ourselves at a time in the economy where many businesses cannot find enough work to keep running. Many long-time family-owned establishments such as Burger King, Mod Pizza, and McDonald’s have all found themselves closing shop in some places. I say that we solve both of these problems at once by enabling the fruitful labor resource that is the Chamblee High School student body! Students go coo-coo for volunteer hours, meaning that we can put them to work in our honorable minimum wage establishments for very low cost! In my mind, this is the perfect way to give our students valuable work experience while also solving a foundational issue in our society. I don’t really know how this is a competition, but I’m sure businesses and students alike will surely be competing to sign up! Go Bulldogs!