With football season in its prime, Chamblee High School student Obli Vious (‘25) took it upon himself to buy the school a real-life mascot.
“I went to my first-ever football game last week, and I have got to say, I do not see what the hype is about. I feel like we need something that people can really watch. So, I thought getting a real life bulldog could make the games more entertaining,” said Vious.
To begin his mission of making football games more entertaining, Vious first had to find the perfect place to get his new pet.
“One of my pretty close friends was totally on board with the idea, and since I knew he liked animals, I got him to help me out,” said Vious.
When asked, Unister Ested (’25) does not agree withy this version of the story.
“I don’t know this kid at all, what do you mean he called me his friend?” said Ested. “He sits next to my table at lunch and started talking about some type of football dog or frog, I don’t really know. I figured he knew my dad owned his own pet company, so I said I would bring him for some extra business, you feel?”
Very Real Rescues is one of the only family-run pet agencies in Chamblee, placed perfectly between two new Spirit Halloweens. Yet, many people don’t know about it due to its very obscure location.
“I got in Ested’s car after school and we headed over to the rescue agency that I believe he volunteers at every week. It’s amazing he has so much passion for animals. Anyway, he took us to their warehouse by this gas station down some alley. I never would have expected to find a rescue agency there!” said Vious.
Very Real Rescues isn’t your typical, run-of-the-mill, pet adoption agency. They prefer to not disclose the rescue stories of their animals, where they are from, or what breed they are.
“We have so many animals at our warehouse, it’s hard to keep track sometimes,” said Bree Der, a 20-year-old high school drop out. “We believe all the animals are equal, so what difference does having their breed or background make? If ya love ’em, you love ’em.”
Despite overwhelming allegations of cross-breeding and inhumane treatment, their business is somehow thriving, and Der was willing to give Vious a fair price for his mascot.
“I was thrilled when my son brought this dweeb in. He came up to me, said somethin’ about buying some type of bullfrog, I don’t really know, but I just went to our storage room and worked with what I had. I made–I mean, I found just the animal for him,” said Der. Vious paid only $100 for what he thought was his new bulldog, and left with just a smile on his face, no receipts or legal documents in sight.
“It was the easiest purchase ever,” said Vious, “I just handed Bree my credit card and Uninter brought out a big cardboard box with my new pet in it. If you are looking for a simple and smooth pet adoption, definitely check out Very Real Recuses.”
Ested also left the warehouse happy his father had a new customer, and stuffed the bulldog box absentmindedly in the trunk.
“My pops gave me a referral fee for the dog, and I am so happy. I can’t wait to go to [censored] and spend it on [censored],” said Ested.
Unfortunately, the two students’ happiness did not last long.
“We pulled back to the school parking lot right as the game was starting—it was going to be so perfect. But when I went to go get my bulldog, I opened the box, and this weird [censored] frog leaped out!” said Vious.
A mix between a bull and a frog, this species was like nothing anyone has ever encountered before.
“Once I saw that big ‘ole thing, I called my pops right away. I was so proud of what he made—I had never seen any of his animals turn out like that before,” said Ested.
The escaped bullfrog charged its way into the stadium, for some reason setting off the metal detector, and frightened many students.
“This super slimy green thing started jumping throughout the student sections, and it’s horns kept scratching everyone!” said Comp Lainer (‘24).
Even though Vious rushed after it, there was nothing he could do to stop it, other than watch.
“I was scared ok! I wanted to help but it was jumping all over the place, I figured someone a little more athletic would want the challenge, so I just called my mom to pick me up,” said Vous.
The school security guards were left to deal with the issue of this creature.
“Me and my boys tazed this thing 16 times,” said Blex Aooher (‘26), “It did not go down without a fight. We work for the high school, I’m not cut out for the wild.”
The bullfrog was eventually captured and placed in one of the football team’s water coolers as the marching band started playing, two quarters later.
“At halftime I stepped off the field, and I see this green lump passed out in the water,” said quarterback Matrick Pahomes(‘24), “Not gonna lie, that thing looked nastier than the other team’s defense.”
The security guards, after getting the story from Mahomes, tried to return the knocked out bullfrog to Very Real Recuse, but unfortunately, there was no proof of the purchase.
“I don’t know anything about anything,” said Bree Der, “I just sell animals. I deny everything.”
Luckily, the marching band captain saw the frog on game night and came up with a brilliant idea.
“During halftime, I swear I saw the frog twitching to the music while we played. Like, no joke. I told the security guards to get that thing near some music, maybe to calm it down,” said Mike Sandfort(‘24).
The guards, after bringing the frog to the attendance office speakers to listen to some tunes, realized the frog had some musical talent itself, and became mesmerized by it’s croaking.
“No joke, that frog can sing. We have been needing some new sounds in the school,” said Goober Meister (‘25), “those dang repetitive tardy bells have been driving me crazy.”
After hours of pleading to Chamblee High’s principal, Meister, became the official caretaker of the bullfrog, and the sole reason we hear croaking sounds as the tardy bells on the loudspeaker everyday.
