The other day I was busy doom scrolling and came upon a video that read, “RANKING ANIMALS I’D BEAT IN A FIGHT.” Now, at that moment I had been procrastinating writing this article because I had no good ideas. However, when I saw that video’s title I knew exactly what I needed to do. A normal person would rank the same way they saw in the video, but I’m anything but normal and I’m incredibly hungry. So instead of that snooze fest of a list, I’m ranking these creatures on how much I’d enjoy eating them.
F Tier:
Orangutan: I love orangutans, but not as my dinner. I feel like they’d be super hairy and nasty.
Gorilla: Basically the same reasoning as orangutans: I love gorillas and I feel like I’d be bawling every bite I took because of that. Poor ape.
Cat: Like every creature in F tier, I mess with cats. I’d probably eat a cat over the two previously mentioned apes, but I’d be very reluctant regardless.
Dog: If I had to rank one of these F tiers the highest it’d probably be the dog. Only because I feel like it’d taste the best. Still a horrible meal and I’d never forgive myself for eating it.
E Tier:
Komodo Dragon: Purely going off looks, this thing can’t taste good. All the meat is muscle and the thing’s super scaly. Not to mention, it’s just a big lizard. I’d have a hard time getting this one down.
Bird: It’s not even a whole bite. Not worth eating.
Lizard: You’d barely get any meat off this thing. Also not worth eating.
Rat: Like the previous two, there’s nothing on a rat worth eating. Not to mention, it’s a rat. I’d just be disgusted the whole meal if I had to eat what little there is to eat on it.
D Tier:
Wolf: Definitely better than the previous entries. The only thing placing it lower is because I feel like wolves are super lean and muscly. I feel like the meat would have a bunch of sinews and wouldn’t be very appetizing. I’d eat it though.
Grizzly Bear: If you know anything about eating grizzly bears like I do, it’s that they’re meat is laced with parasites. I do not want parasites, but if the meat was rid of them I’d be hesitant, but still willing to eat it.
Panda: I’ve seen enough Kung Fu Panda to know pandas are fat. Too much fat on meat is a big negative for me, so it’s going in D.
Ferret: My thought process here was “it’s better than a rat, so D.” There’s more to it than a rat so I’d be more inclined to eat it.
Clown fish: Ok I get it’s tiny and probably really bony, but hear me out: Clownfish sushi rolls.
Snake: I’ve heard of people eating snakes before and I saw some guy on TikTok deep fry a python. I’d totally be down for python tenders.
C Tier:
Parrot: Chicken is good so parrots must be too, right? Tell me rotisserie parrot doesn’t sound a little bit tasty.
Lion: So many cuts of meat to choose from. Lion bacon, Lion Steak, Lion ribs, I’d be so down to eat lion.
Tiger: Honestly, same as lion. I think a tiger drumstick would be such a cool thing to say you’ve eaten. Great icebreaker, too.
Elephant: I see elephants in the same way I see cows. They’d be great ground up and put into tacos.
Starfish: Unlike most of this list, people actually eat starfish. From what I’ve heard, though, it’s pretty bland and bitter, but I could see it working as sushi.
Cheetah: I feel like it’d taste pretty gamey. Not a problem and I’d also make a fresh set of matching cheetah print clothes afterwards afterward.
Owl: Isn’t this what they’ve got at Hooters?
B Tier:
Zebra: Probably tastes like a gamier version of horse and I’d imagine horse is pretty solid. Throw some Zebra steaks on the ol’ grill and you’ve got yourself a Michael-worthy meal.
Turtle: People eat turtle. I am people. After all, what’ve they got hiding in that shell?
Seal: Gives me aquatic deer vibes. Probably gamey and salty. Would enjoy a seal meal.
A Tier:
Hippo: Fun fact, I actually hate hippos. No particular reason, just do. I assure you I will be maniacally laughing all the way through my five-course hippo dining session.
Eagle: Bigger than a chicken. Bigger than a parrot or owl. Forget Wingstop, eagle wings are where it’s at y’all.
Rhino: Imagine how big a filet of this thing would be. One could feed a whole family, which means two could feed me.
Horse: Probably less gamey than their striped cousin, so I’m putting it higher. I swear I’ve seen horse sausages and honestly they looked really good.
Peacock: The birds just keep getting bigger. More bird = more food = more enjoyment.
Duck: Unlike the majority of this list, I’ve actually had duck and can vouch it’s good. Peking Duck is phenomenal and I’d have it again anyday.
Goat: As much as I’d love to be in his presence, no, I’m not eating LeBron. Though I’ve never had goat, I’ve seen it on the menu at several restaurants I’ve been to. The dish always sounded amazing and I’ll have to try it the next time I see it.
Sheep: Mutton is good, lamb is better, but we don’t talk about haggis,,,
Swan: I’ve genuinely looked at swans before and gone, “I wonder how big a swan drumstick would be?” I’d very much like to find out and that’s why it’s in A.
S Tier:
Lobster: A little pricey, but a good lobster is phenomenal. I love seafood, which you’re about to find out, and lobster is a favorite of mine. Lobster rolls are a top-three sandwich for me and I’d eat them every day if I had the funds to.
Deer: Venison is an amazing slice of meat. It’s that perfect gameyness with an earthy flavor. It’s like beef, but not beef. Say what you want about me being a “monster” for eating deer, but at least I’m a monster with good taste.
Squid + Octopus: Although they’re two separate pictures on the list, I’m grouping them together because this article is getting way too long and c’mon they’re like basically the same thing. In my opinion, both cephalopods, when done correctly, are some of the best and most versatile seafoods. While some may find the chewiness a con, I love it and that is why they’re so high on the list.
Shark: Are you surprised this is in S? If you are, come meet me in real life and I’m sure you’ll understand then. From what I’ve heard, shark meat is similar to white fish like swordfish and is quite mild in flavor. Slap a good marinade and some lemons on that shark steak, throw it on the grill, and there you go. You’re now the coolest grill dad ever.
Alligator: Alligator is in the top three meats for me. If you’ve never had it before, don’t let the fact it’s a 500 lb lizard scare you. Trust me, they’re delicious when battered and fried.
Cow: This is a given honestly and I really don’t need to explain this.
Dolphin: Ok, but does it taste like fish or what? I feel like it’d taste more like beef. This one’s really making me think, and the more I think about it the louder my stomach growls.
Whale: Ok ok this is kind of out there. Yes, I know whales are really smart and have feelings and all that. If I’m being real, I don’t really care. Food is food, you know? As I’m writing this, I am hungry enough to eat a whale and very much wish I could. Just imagine how many meals you could make out of just one. Might have to purchase a harpoon now that I think about it.
In conclusion, I’d eat a lot of “unconventional” animals. Cows, whales, lions, bears, hippos at the end of the day it really doesn’t matter what it is. If I’m hungry enough, I’m gonna eat whatever is put in front of my face. Now if you’ll excuse me, my dog has been barking awfully loud today, which means dog pie is on the menu…
