I HATE being sick. I’m sure you can agree with this scorching hot take of mine, but can you grasp the degree to which I hate being sick? I don’t think so.
I’m sick as of writing this, 100.4° F fever to be exact. Despite my uncontrollable coughing fits, it’s the hatred I feel towards this sickness that is pushing me to pick up my metaphorical pen and share my loathing with the world.
If you’re like me and have an astonishingly weak immune system, you’re one of the few who truly can grasp my anguish. It’s amazing that with all the hundreds of times I’ve fallen ill, my immune system has learned absolutely nothing. Truly, the peak performance of the human race. The strangest part is that it’s ALWAYS a common cold. I’ve never gotten COVID and rarely get the flu, yet I always seem to be #1 on the common cold’s hitlist.
The sense of dread I feel when mucus slowly decides to invade my esophagus, the telltale sign of a miserable next three days, cannot be described better than the following phrases: “I’m so cooked,” “It’s so over,” “Holy Guacamole.” The “calm before the storm” if you will, this brief period of mucusy inconvenience is the killer of hopes and dreams. Understanding and coming to terms with the fact that you WILL be in a state like a deathly ill man in a Victorian era painting is not for the faint of heart.
It also so happens that whenever I end up being sick, it always happens at the least convenient times. I had a lot of plans this weekend. NOT ANYMORE. The common cold had other plans, and that was being bedridden and asleep for three days straight.
Despite the abundant negatives sickness brings, I set a new personal record for myself this weekend. As much as I’d love to say it was something productive like breaking my untouchable – cheeseburgers eaten in one sitting – it was not. I slept 20 hours this past Friday. 20 hours. That’s the same as a Koala for reference. The same stupid marsupial that couldn’t even make it onto my viral RANKING ANIMALS I’D EAT Tier List?
All in all, you know being sick sucks. You already knew that before reading this. But I hate it more, so I’m like better or something.
