The Blue & Gold

I Hate The Beach


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I have never, not once ever been excited to go to the beach. To be honest, I’ve never even seen the appeal that so many others do. The beach is essentially a desert that just so happens to have a rather large pool of salty, murky water full of fish poop and dead sea creatures.

At what point am I to start having fun? Is the sand lodged deep within every crevice of my body supposed to be enthralling? Or maybe it’s the harsh sting of salt water in my eyes and on every abrasion of my body that’ll rope me in. I don’t know, and frankly, my dear, I don’t give a dang.

Perhaps you’re now wondering how I could be so pessimistic towards bodies of water, however that’s where you’re wrong. I love water, just not when it seems to be making every effort to make me suffer.

You want some good water? Go to the lake. If I could spend the rest of my life on the lake I gladly would. Bags packed, ready to go.

I could probably come up with at least 50 ways in which the lake far surpasses the beach. That said, I’ll only name a few.

  1. Trees. The beach spans miles and miles but is absolutely devoid of any sort of tree to provide shade. The lake, on the other hand, almost always has an abundance of thickly leaved and heavily shading forest. This could be exclusive to me, but I for one am not a fan of skin cancer and don’t really care to char my skin even if that means I stay a bright pale color.
  2. Salt Water. Why would anyone ever choose salt water over freshwater? I may as well pour a bottle of Windex in my eyes because that’s the pain I feel when even the slightest wave knocks me off balance and causes a splash to my face. Not to mention the fact that even the slightest adhesion on my body will be unignorable due to the excessive pain from the saline solution. Freshwater, on the other hand, is nice and creamy and simply blankets itself gently around your body, meaning absolutely no harm. Freshwater is a friend.
  3. Sand. For the love of God why would anybody in their right mind subject themselves to such a torturous substance? Sand is like a vengeful ex-lover: No longer a part of your life but is out to get you and knows all of your secrets and everything that makes you tick. It knows exactly where to hit you. Any place you don’t want it to be, it will surely show up. Don’t like the feeling of sand chafing your defenseless toes? It’s just a matter of time until the grains end up there.
  4. Creatures. Sure I worry every now and then while floating in the lake that some dead girl is going to reach up, grab my leg, and pull me under, but let me tell you that fear is worth it. Yes you can touch the bottom of the ocean while at the beach, but just think about how many deadly creatures are only a couple hundred yards away. Correct me if I’m wrong, but last time I checked, Jaws takes place at a beach, correct?

All in all, people will always have their own opinions. Neither may be wrong, but that’s not to say that there is a clear superior. Just know that lakes are like grandmothers and only wish to see you happy, whereas beaches are more akin to cranky little siblings

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