In this article I will be retelling the phenomenal motion picture Cats from memory. I recently saw this movie in theaters and, suffice it to say, I was speechless. I may not remember any of the “jellicle” (I don’t know what that means but they said it a lot so I think it’s important) cats’ names and I may not have observed any type of plot, but I feel that I am at the liberty to retell the story. 

Let me set the scene… I walk into the sketchiest theatre near my house and pay for my ticket with a gift card that my mom gave me for Christmas. As I opened this gift, my mom told me, “I just couldn’t bear the thought of you spending your own money on that terrible movie.” Admittedly, that should have been a red flag. That exchange was not, however, my first warning sign. The first time that I watched the Cats trailer, I thought it was a joke. It was not. 

I could only find one person to go see Cats with me and this person was my dear friend Lucy. Were we going to see Cats ironically? Possibly. Were we still overly invested? Yes. We walked into the theatre, my smuggled candy floating around in my purse, and found our seats. I’m assuming that anyone reading this has been to a movie theatre before so I’ll spare you every detail. The next warning sign: the woman who sat directly behind us. This woman, bless her heart, knew every word to every song. And fret not, she did, in fact, sing along the entire time. 

The lights dimmed and I was on the edge of my seat. I say this quite literally because the lady sitting behind me was already humming quite aggressively along with the opening music. Here, in all honesty, is my most earnest attempt at retelling the cinematic masterpiece that is Cats (2019).

The first scene opens to a trash dumping ground or something along those lines and a trash bag is thrown in frame. I honestly have no idea where the bag comes from but it opens and a white-ish cat thing climbs out. One of the most disturbing things about Cats, possibly the reason that it has gotten so much publicity, is the fact that the actors look like they got vacuum sealed into a cat hide and forced to dance. They have human faces and stature, but are covered in hair, have tails, and whiskers. The trash bag cat pops out of the bag and almost immediately is surrounded by self-proclaimed “jellicle” cats. How do I know that they call themselves this? Well, there was a very extensive song about it.

I am under the impression that trash bag cat was new to the cat gang and they weren’t really a fan of hers. I can’t say this with certainty, however, because I had absolutely no idea what was happening for the entirety of the movie. I want that to be as clear as possible. Anyway, trash bag cat, who I want to say is named Veronica, is initially sung at by the cat leader guy who isn’t their ruler (spoiler: the ruler is Dame Judy Dench), but everyone seems to listen to. Veronica is befriended by Mr. Moostofolie, who is a magician cat, and all of the other cats just seem to be background dancers.

Most of the movie is Veronica, leader cat, and the gang travelling around town to meet the different cats who are competing to be reborn into their dream lives at the Jellicle Ball which is going to happen that night. No, I don’t get it either. First they go to meet Rebel Wilson cat who lives in someone’s kitchen and teaches roaches and mice to dance. I believe that it is during her song, in which she unzips her own skin (very disturbing) that we meet Idris Elba cat. He is the antagonist and is trying to get rid of his competition so that he’ll be picked at the Jellicle Ball. Throughout the movie he magically kidnaps different contestants and holds them hostage on a ship in the River Thames, where he has his henchman cat keep an eye on them. Around this time in the movie we also meet Glamour Cat. No, that is not her character’s name but I’m pretty sure they said something about it at some point and it kinda just stuck in my head. Glamour Cat sucks and everyone hates her because she used to be a famous singer or something and now she’s homeless. She cries in every scene she’s in. Also she’s played by Jennifer Hudson.

There are two other cats that I remember competing to be reborn. One of them is a very fat James Corden who wants a new life so that he can be reincarnated as a skinny cat and eat himself back into obesity. The other cat is Railroad Cat. Nothing about him is particularly important but he does tap dance which is pretty fresh. I honestly don’t remember the order of the events that occured but here is a bulleted list of what happens:

• Veronica is abandoned on several occasions by the other cats and gets into tons of hijinks. One of said incidents in when she and two criminal cats (I think their names were something like Rumplestew and Gerrymandery, so that’s something) break into someone’s house and steal their jewelry. Mr. Moosofolie has a crush on Vanessa (who knows why? I found her very annoying) and rescues her repeatedly.
• They all find themselves at a theatre, Judy Dench comes, and they prepare for the Jellicle Ball.
• Taylor Swift’s character is in cahoots with Idris Elba and she drugs all of the cats? I truthfully don’t know.
• Judy Dench is magically kidnapped but Mr. Moostofolie brings her back with the power of magic and the other cats escape the boat. 
• Veronica, who at this point I am convinced has the compulsive need to stick her stupid cat head into everyone’s business, convinces Glamour Cat to come inside and compete in the Ball. She then proceeds to cry (of course) and sing that one really popular song that everyone knows (yes, the lady sitting behind me in the theatre did sing along.)
• I’m pretty sure that Idris Elba is drowned in the river and nobody else is worthy of being picked by Ms. Dench, so she picks Glamour Cat, who then climbs into a chandelier and floats off into the sun as it rises in the early morning. The cats do a horrifying ritual dance where their tails vibrate.

While I cannot promise that any of that was in order, I do sort of remember the closing scene. Cats was two hours long and towards the end my brain had melted and poured out of my ears as a result of the trauma that was induced by watching it. In the final scene, Judy Dench, Veronica, the leader cat guy, and Mr. Moostofolie sit on a statue thing and watch Glamour Cat float away. From what I could gather, they had decided that Veronica could join the gang as a Jellicle Cat. Woohoo. I am left to infer a lot of the story because, as you may have been able to tell, there wasn’t a coherent plot to follow. For example, I’m fairly certain that Glamour Cat died. So that sucks. Would I recommend Cats to the average viewer? No. Would I recommend Cats to someone who might want to learn why illegal drugs are bad for you and that reality is the safer option? Yes. Meeeeowwwww.