In what can truly be called a massacre, the Chamblee Bulldogs lost on the football field to the Southview Red Devils. Even though the scoreboard said 6-0 in favor of the Bulldogs, the devils clearly won.
“It’s not like all our players are actually bulldogs,” said Head Coach Taiwan Swizzle. “That’s just our mascot. Even though Southview is a new school, I guess we just figured the devil was their mascot, too.”
But at kickoff, Coach Swizzle and his team understood what they were actually up against: a team of devils, many of whom were in fact red.
“Coach had prepared us to defend against a nickel defense,” said offensive lineman Edward “Donkeyteeth” Smoltz. “But these guys had pitchforks!”
The game began with a Chamblee kickoff to the devils, who hardly seemed interested in the ball bouncing around on the field. Instead, they ran after the Bulldogs’ special teams players, mocking them, prodding them with the aforementioned pitchforks and trying to steal their souls.
The Bulldogs managed to recover the ball and the offense took over. After six offsides calls against the devils that resulted in a first-and-goal situation for Chamblee – but at a cost of three players’ lives – the Bulldogs were looking to put points on the board..
“We thought we could punch the ball into their endzone and take the early lead,” said surviving player Lance Photon, “but their endzone was a lake of fire and no one wanted the ball.”
Eventually a freshman was sacrificed. He crossed the plane of the goal line with the ball, but was immediately consumed by eternal flames of damnation.
“I didn’t even know that kid’s name,” said Coach Swizzle.
The extra point kick was blocked by a winged devil.
Swizzle asked his kicker to put the ball out of bounds on the ensuing kickoff to avoid further bloodshed, and the defense warily took the field.
“All of the devils suddenly froze as if they were part of some hive mind,” said CHS marching band director Joey Weekend. “It was super creepy and made everyone really nervous. Like: what was about to happen.”
The Red Devils lined up in a wishbone formation and ran an option play to the left to gain six yards. Sensing they could move the chains with their running game, Southview kept the ball on the ground. On second down, a 6,492-year-old devil named Glyyxnord ran the ball up the middle, tearing the arms off two Bulldog defenders and breathing fire on senior defensive back Alex Bisquick.
Bisquick is expected to recover in 6-8 weeks.
The Red Devils celebrated their first down a bit too much when they began constructing a large tower at midfield, the purpose of which felt very ominous indeed. By the time the top of the tower reached the low, gray clouds in the night sky and a pyre had been lit in a special chamber at the top, it was halftime.
The Marching Bulldogs decided to perform from the stands, and ran through their three-song set in under six minutes then left the stadium hurriedly.
The Southview Marching Devils stunned the remaining fans with heartfelt renditions of Slayer’s “Altar of Sacrifice,” Black Sabbath’s “NIB” and Nicky Youre & Dazy’s “Sunroof.”
The second half was a bloody mess as the newly constructed tower began bleeding copious amounts of what appeared to be blood onto the field. Bulldog players were unwilling to come out of the locker room, and the Red Devils began dancing wildly in the pools of blood forming at North DeKalb Stadium.
Referees huddled at the 20-yard-line, searching the GHSA handbook for any guidance that might pertain to the unholy scene. Eventually, the head referee signaled a delay of game penalty against the Bulldogs.
Southview’s head coach, a visor-wearing devil named Anttrokl approached the officials to inquire about “fresh meat” for their machine. The referee threw a yellow flag at him, which Anttrokl somehow stopped in midair, gave malevolent life to and made it attack the officials.
At that point, the game was stopped and Southview declared the winner.
“I’m really proud of my guys tonight,” said Anttrokl. “We had a gameplan, and we stuck to it. It’s a process that my staff drills into them week after week. We executed the fundamentals and avoided unnecessary penalties and captured 31 new souls for our dark lord.”