WWE Scouts Replace Military Recruitment


WWE recruitment table

Kaylee Powell, Staff Writer

After two years of virtual school, it’s about time Chamblee gets back to it’s old traditions of blood drives, international night, and military recruitment day.

“I did military recruitment day my freshman year and it was strange. In the middle of April, every social studies class went to the gym and they lined us up by height. Then, these troops of muscular and hot people jumped out of tanks and marched and yelled all the way to us,” said senior Cirus Scarred (‘22).

The method they took to recruit students seemed strange but efficient.

“After they all arrived in the gym, they asked us a series of questions and pulled us out of line if we ‘answered correctly.’ It was obvious that they chose a certain demographic but we were all too scared to say anything,” said Scarred.

However, this year things will be changing. There won’t be a military table anymore because of how unimpressed they were by student’s recent actions around school.

“I was shocked to find out the military isn’t coming but after hearing stories from Cirus, I changed my mind, I was okay with them leaving and never coming back. I honestly may start a couple fights next year so they stay away,” said sophomore Sally Pal (‘24).

Many of the underclassmen were excited for a chance to get recruited for the military, and they thought they had it in the bag after recent fights, however, they were wrong.

“You would think the fight in the cafeteria would have proved that students should join the military. I mean you want people who can fight right? Why not get students with previous experiences, who cares if it was only like two minutes long, a fight is a fight,” said budding fight videographer Quinn GoPro (25’).

No one was more upset about the militaries’ deparcher than the JROTC students.

“I have served my county for four long years, waiting for my moment to see those beautiful people march through our building and pull me out of line. It was my biggest fantasy, and now it’s gone,” said senior Pull Cannon (‘22).

The military was shocked by the fight videos and exclaimed that everything they saw was disappointing.

“Yeah, I saw the videos, and the edit. Those kids wouldn’t last a day in the military. First of all, their form was all over the place and one of the kids wasn’t even punching anything. Did y’all see a ghost because I didn’t,” said Army Sergeant Seaman.

While the military wasn’t impressed, many fighters within the WWE were and expressed their own opinions on the fights.

“To be honest, they were amazing, no true rhyme or reason but it was definitely entertaining, that’s what we do,” said John Cena.

The WWE comes with benefits in hand, ready to offer them up to all students who will be turning 18 soon.

“Sure, their form was terrible but it’s all fake anyways so who cares. It’s not like our things are real anyways, so why not start now? We can start ’em off as soon as they’re 18. We convince them with free food, a semi-cool living facility, and free college. They’re not really putting their life in danger so it’s ok,” said Cena.

WWE decided that they wouldn’t only offer positions for fighters though.

“We saw the edits as well, they were great. There were also so many people taking videos from different angles and it was great. That’s why we’re offering other positions to students like GoPro, where they can film and edit the next biggest fights, maybe even post them on Youtube,”said Cena.

The military is onto bigger and better things now.

“We ditched Chamblee, we’re thinking of recruiting from Lakeside or Decatur instead,” said Seaman.

Most students are no longer feeling as upset about the WWE table showing up and are excited to bid farewell to the military.

“I’m actually fine now, I was offered a job as a video editor, maybe they’ll bring in MTV at some point too,” exclaimed Pal.