Recently, the Chick-fil-A in Chamblee Plaza announced that they are requiring customers to attend the gym next door before picking up their order. This plan was instituted to combat the rising obesity rates in America, and to highlight the newfound partnership between Crunch and Chick-fil-A after they were both bought by Coca-Cola. This has caused wide scale panic among the student body at Chamblee High School.

“I stopped attending school because I have no motivation to wake up anymore. All I dream about every night is that sweet chicken biscuit I’ll enjoy in the morning. Now, all I have to look forward to is the toil of pumping iron,” said Thomas Ladams (‘25).

This has been a common problem among students, as the lack of motivation to wake up has plummeted attendance rates and skyrocketed tardies.

When Mrs. Yarns, the principal, was asked about this she said, “Understandable.”

Further, Crunch staff members have reported problems in the gym.

“The lines for machines are five to six people long, and wherever you go you hear someone ranting about fried chicken. At the treadmills people are running like chickens, at the weights people bock and squawk with every rep, and fights have almost been started due to one of the staff members being named Wendy,” said Leroy Lesteriod the owner of Crunch. “It’s as chaotic as a romcom.”

However, there has been a positive development, too. 

“Chamblee High School is now an athletic powerhouse. They are ranked top ten in every sport, including chess. Somehow these kids have gained incredible amounts of muscle in their attempt to purchase nuggets,” said the DeKalb County sports director Peyton Walter.

This is likely because, despite the added gym requirement, students still desire Chick-fil-A.

“The nuggies are just too buss. I can’t dream of a life without them. Therefore, I shall lift whatever weight is required to fetch my sacred nuggies. The sauce is so savory and sweet, the fries are delectable, and those milkshakes…life changing,” said Miller Cowart while licking his lips. 

So far, there is but one student in favor of the change.

“This change is perfect! It encourages us as a body of students to save the chickens. We should therefore go to McDonalds for breakfast instead of that dreaded Chick-fil-A,” said Donald Mcalister. 

He was subsequently stuffed in a trash can after that quote.

“No matter the burden, I will go to Chick-fil-A,” said student body president, Freddy Deli Roopert. “Chick-fil-A is life.”