Chamblee Football Buys New Jersey, Not New Jerseys


Courtesy of Toby Russell

Artistic rendition of New Jersey’s condition under the ownership of Chamblee Football

Toby Russell, Editor

With the new football season dawning upon us, Bulldog football went shopping for new equipment in order to dominate the competition this year. With last season’s success, the gear took quite a beating, and players were reporting holes and tears in the equipment. In addition to new pads, new helmets, new water bottles, and new (or sometimes used, for budget) mouth guards, the program decided that this would be the year to buy some new jerseys for the team.
“We went with a sleek black color. The team hoped that the color would strike fear into our opponents as we crush them into the ground,” said head team brand designer Jerry Atrick. “They were badass.”
Unfortunately, a miscommunication in the team’s finance department led to a mistaken purchase.
“I thought that he said New Jersey,” said accountant and self-proclaimed “football un-enthusiast”, Larry Guy, “Like the state.”
Normally this wouldn’t have been a problem, as high school sports teams are usually incapable of purchasing states. However, due to a combination of factors, the purchase managed to go through.
“Due to our outstanding performance last season, the county gave us a surplus of COVID-19 funding for this year,” said Guy, “Also, New Jersey kinda sucks.”
For a paltry $100,000 dollars, the school’s football program is now in legal governance over the New Jersey territory.
“I don’t really know why we would buy New Jersey. At least get Kansas,” said player Karb O’Hidrake (‘23).
Now, Atrick is coming up with creative ways to use the state.
“I mean I guess there’s a Six Flags there,” said Atrick.
The team is looking into a refund.
“We reached out to the relevant authorities. Apparently, they don’t want it back,” said Guy.
The state was asked to comment, but it appears that there’s no one there. At home, Chamblee students aren’t too concerned about the purchase.
“I think that this will be a good move for the school,” said Bajd Parksher (’24). “Maybe I’ll finally get a parking spot.”