Before the infamous Las Vegas landmark dubbed “The Sphere,” there was its smaller, and objectively less cool predecessor: the EPCOT ball. Despite the Sphere overall mogging the EPCOT ball in almost every aspect – bigger, more colorful, Timothee Chalamet stood on it– the most obvious difference is not what happens on the outside, but on the inside. The Sphere famously holds interactive movie nights and immersive concerts, while the EPCOT ball has…Spaceship Earth. Sounds fun, sure, but I assure you it’s not.
Spaceship Earth is known as Disney World’s slowest ride, moving at a speedy rate of approximately 1.5 miles per hour. The ride explores the history of mankind’s technological advances, chock-full of creepy animatronics and a lulling British narration. I am not being dramatic when I say I napped through half of the ride. Nonetheless, what I’m trying to point out is that Spaceship Earth is a small ride. There is no possible way that the juvenile Spaceship Earth takes up the entirety of the interior of the EPCOT ball which stands at 180 feet tall and 165 feet wide. THE RIDE IS NOT THAT BIG!
You may be asking, “Sela? Is it that serious? So what if Disney has a bunch of empty space in the EPCOT ball?” This brings me to my next point. Disney has another famous landmark/ride in their theme park “Hollywood Studios,” called the Hollywood Hotel/Tower of Terror (respectively). I’m sure you’ve heard of it. Tower of Terror is objectively more fun and awesome than Spaceship Earth. Not only that, Tower of Terror most definitely takes up all of the Hollywood Hotel. I bring this up to indicate that Disney could have easily installed a fun, exciting, spacious ride inside of the EPCOT ball, so why didn’t they? The answer, my splendid reader, lies in the beautiful concept of crime fronts.
A crime front, put simply, is a legitimate-looking organization or business used to conceal illegal activities. Crime fronts are typically seen as businesses that don’t attract many customers, such as laundromats, tattoo parlors, or pawn shops. Crime fronts like these can easily be spotted in higher-income neighborhoods, where you see an establishment such as the aforementioned and ask yourself, “Why is it here of all places?” What does this remind you of? Why, Spaceship Earth of course! Like many humble crime fronts, Spaceship Earth is merely a distraction from the true intentions of the EPCOT ball.
Now what are those intentions, you ask? Well, I have a theory.
Walt Disney is in the EPCOT Ball. Kind of like King Tut. He’s in there, frozen in a realm between life and death, waiting for the day where he will come back to life and assert dominance. World dominance, that is. Why else would his “tomb” be in the world-themed park? Him and his minions are preparing for the real deal.
While this seems drastic, I truly believe that this is what’s going on in the EPCOT ball. Yes, it seems malicious and a bit dramatic, but it’s better than accepting that the only thing going on in that wonderful geometric masterpiece is…shudder…Spaceship Earth.
