Aries

• You will experience a sleepless night this week after unknowingly drinking lemonade with 6,000 mg of caffeine. In the early hours of the following morning, a UFO will fly over your house, aliens inside will spot you, and they’ll hold you captive until you solve an impossible math problem.

Taurus

• April Fool’s week is here, and you’re ready to celebrate. But I suggest you ditch the idea of setting fire to piles of trash around Atlanta, as this will have a butterfly effect and lead to a divorce later in your life.

Gemini

• Be wary of the blonde men you meet this week. One of them will convince you to run away with him to Spain. Weeks later, you will be living in the woods, turned into a feeble squirrel by the undercover warlock.

Cancer

• Frustrations will arise when you realize a favorite show of yours was removed from a streaming service this week. Unable to comprehend the loss of your favorite show, you will shave your eyebrows and get a face tattoo in an act of self-defiance.

Leo

• Alarming developments this week in yoga class will render you the ability to float in midair through cellular galactic meditation.

Virgo

• Your recent obsession with true crime podcasts will turn out to be useful this week when you are chased through a cornfield by a psychopathic lumberjack.

Scorpio

• After consuming a suspicious French fry, you will lose all of your hair and turn into a half-human, half-squid monster.

Sagittarius

• You will soon come to realize that you actually did run somebody over that one time you were driving at night, and it was super dark, and you were like, ‘did I just hit somebody?’ Well, you did.

Capricorn

• Relief will overcome you when you find your long-lost robot dog from 2016. Then, you will be overcome by something else when it grows tenfold and eats your parents.

Aquarius

• Life will take a turn for the worse when a particularly unfortunate chopstick accident renders you permanently terrified of ramen noodles.

Pisces

• This week, a sudden realization about the meaning of life will hit you when you least expect it. In turn, you will decide to cut back on stalking your crush this week. Just a little.